(Disclaimer: we’ll probably all die in the initial blast, so take this with a pinch of salt)
So it’s finally happened. After years of dicking about, Russia’s finally decided to show the world who’s boss, by unleashing Nuclear Armageddon.
Where have they hit? What key targets have they fired the lastest in intercontinental balistic war-heads at? London? New York? Paris?
As it turns out, judging by a recent report – Merthyr. Thanks to Merthyr hosting the factory that makes Ajax, the most dangerous tank the British Army’s ever created (if you count our own soldiers in that matrix), we’re fucked.
Not to worry though, our writers at the Pioneer have come prepared. For years we’ve been eating expired rations, living out of damp-infested cellars, hiding away from the sun.
Thanks to this, we’ve come up with a handy guide to surviving the ghoul-infested radioactive wasteland that is our beloved town.
📍 1. First Rule: Relax, we’re probably dead anyway.
As of this year, Russia has the world’s largest arsenal of tactical nuclear weapons, roughly around 1,500.
Assuming we get hit by a Russian Burevestnik Cruise Missile, with a one MT payload, it’s safe to say we’re all fucked.
The immediate fireball zone would obliterate everything from General Dynamics up to just before the Merthyr Council Offices.
The rest of Merthyr will experience moderate damage, and the effects of Thermal Radiation (third-degree burns, firestorms etc…). If you have places to be, it’s not ideal.
Don’t panic though, it’s all gravy baby. Life is about finding a bit of Zen, a bit of Yin and Yang.
Yes, Merthyr might be a memory, and your loved ones a scorched shadow on the wall of Vue, but it’s not all bad.
With your new third ear, you’ can appreciate the dulcet sounds of the irradiated Taff. Your radiation burns will make you look tough to any potential scavengers, and if 80% of the town is dead, imagine how many jobs are going?
Do you like playing Fallout? What’s cooler than getting to live it?
Yes, life will be pretty sweet in the aftermath. And even if it isn’t, don’t sweat. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger – unless it’s radiation sickness.
🥔 2. Pack the Essentials
Remember the night of the first Lockdown in 2020?
Massive queues down Tesco, shopping-trolleys full of toilet roll and Stella (first-hand experience, to be fair) before Merthyr went into lockdown (almost permanently for the next year or so).
This will probably be a lot more relaxing than that.
As soon as that mushroom cloud starts cresting over the hill, you need to get going. Fuck it, before the bomb even drops, get down to Asda, or Tesco, or even Trago Mills.
You want to go somewhere that’s expansive, that can fuel you for a long-time, and ideally, one on higher ground so you have the tactical advantage to ward off rival scavengers.
You want to be thinking of the four T’s in your approach to essentials:
T- Tinned Food
T- Tinned Alcohol
T- Toilet paper
T – Loads of Guns
Also, thinking of driving that lovely big car down to get your Andrex and Raffaelos?
You’ve just wasted a precious commodity.
There’s not going to be any magic petrol trees in the Merthyr wasteland, what you’ve got is what you’ve got – forever.
Get a bike, they’re more maneuverable, and will help build those legs for when the cannibals start to emerge.
💀 3. Establish yourself as a Warlord to remember
You might have been the kid who shit himself in Year 7 at Cyfarthfa, or the woman who fell down the stairs in Koolers and lost a tooth, but in the atomic ruins of Merthyr, you have to get a grip.
If you’re gonna be dumb, you’ve got to be tough – and in the new pecking order, if you want a minute to switch off your brain, and unwind, you’re going to need to be the toughest fucker around.
Remember we mentioned the fourth T – loads of guns?
Yeah, what you’re going to want to do is get as many as you can possibly find. Scavenge, steal, build your own – it’s essential.
Make spears from old-railings, hoard petrol, move into a larger compound, bring some friends or surviving family too – let them know your grace.
Build up a small, but loyal grouping – get some rituals going, maybe a Freemason’s style initiation – you want to build a community out of the ashes.
Be fair, but firm – offer shelter to weary travellers, but wear a massive ram-head as a crown.
Help fix some potholes in your small power-base in town, but occasionally raid a smaller, weaker encampment.
Distribute supplies on a fair basis to your followers, and ensure no-one goes without, but occasionally mention you talk directly with God.
If you want to thrive, you’ve got to survive those first few weeks – and nothing screams ‘I’ve adjusting to my new situation’ like a throne of skulls.
☢️ 4. Rule with Love, and a fully-armed militia
After a few years of raiding and rebuilding, you’ve likely established yourself as the big KingPin of a Post-Apocalyptic Merthyr. Now’s the time to think about governance.
History teaches us that absolute power corrupts absolutely.
But it also teaches us that if you’re the only person with a working rifle and a couple of oil drums of makeshift Anthrax, people will probably let you get on with it.
The key here is having a balanced approach – a little bit of Yin and Yang.
On the one hand, rule with much love. Offer protection. Share supplies. Maybe even organise the occasional community event. Get some gigs going maybe (if anyone from the Merthyr Mixtape has survived the initial blasts, invite them along!)
On the other hand, you also need to maintain a very, very visibly armed militia.
A few helpful bits of advice:
- If there’s any still left around here, never get in a helicopter
- Make sure your cadre of fighters are loyal to you, not your money
- To prevent another nuclear war from happening, it’s important you start developing a Nuclear Program as soon as possible.
- Watch out for the plotting of Grand Visiers and Eunichs.
Congrats – you’ve recreated local government.
Final Word
If worse goes to worst, the sky goes white and a few new Valleys are created in less than a millisecond, — remember this:
Merthyr was built by people who muddled through the shit times.
Industrial collapse. Cholera. Poverty. Neglect. Decades of politicians promising change and delivering fuck all.
Compared to that, nuclear winter is just another one of those things.
So keep your harpoon and six-pack of Estrella close.
Keep your friends/family/underlings closer.
And if you do end up ruling the radioactive wastes, remember that we helped you, specifically.
The Pioneer will see you in the wasteland. ☢️
